Saturday, July 9, 2011

Star Trek #41: The Three Minute Universe

I'm starting to wonder if Star Trek novels can be categorized by how silly/annoying/good they are. I tried to think of some, but I get stuck after reaffirming with myself on how stupid Killing Time was.

In The Three Minute Universe, Kirk and crew find a part of space so hot that their sensors cannot even measure it. It turns out to be the titular universe, which appears in the middle of an occupied system and wipes out a sentient race, the Zirgosians, in a flash. The Enterprise heads to Holox, the last remaining Zirgosian colony, in search of answers and, hopefully, a solution.

After reading the title, I immediately thought of eggs and cup noodles, two things that only take three minutes to prepare. I thought the universe in question would be a tiny, lab-grown universe, a baby universe. A cup universe.

Delicious.



But, I was mistaken. The three minutes refer to the age of the universe that has suddenly appears inside of ours. It's a very young universe, filling space with immeasurable heat and threatening not just the Zirgosian colony, but all life everywhere.

After a while, I started to wonder if the book should have been called something else, like say, Burn, Baby, Burn, or Firestarter, or even Blazing Zombies, but I guess those don't have the same ring to it, despite being as fitting as the current title.

This book is all about fire. Let me list the ways.

1) Space, a naturally cold place, is now beyond hot. The Zirgosians, looking for a new source of unlimited energy, found a way to tap into what keeps all the alternate universes apart. The Sackers, the villians of the story, used the device that opens the barrier and stole the device that closes it in an attempt to take over the Federation.

The Sackers are supposed to be the ultimate outsider race, but the extremes that Barbara Paul took to establish this made my eyes roll so much, they fell into my cup universe. Let's see, they're described as having skin similar to mole rats, only their 'skin' is translucent and lets you see their insides. They're filled with colorful jelly and you can see white, maggot-looking things crawling all through their insides, which only adds to the whole decaying corpse look the Sackers got down.

Wait, is having a race of walking corpses not enough? Let's give them a natural scent so repulsive to others that it can cause instant vomiting, that is if their appearance doesn't make you upchuck first.

What, that's not enough? Okay... let's give them a voice so shrill and high-pitched that can cause excruciating pain, unconsciousness, and temporary deafness.

... You want more? Isn't that enough? Fine, 2) how about we make them fire people. They live in high-heat environments, their weapons are flame-throwers, their children are birthed in hot vats, and their touch is capable of causing second-degree burns. Yes, let's have our villains be walking corpses with firetouch. How's that for an ostracized group of people? Huh? Huh?

3) The gang arrive at Holox and Spock finds a 'hot spot' in the middle of the desert. Kirk decided to land at the settlement closest to the 'hot spot', and finds everyone dead or near-dying. The Sackers had forced a visiting businessman to poison the settlement's water supply. Their reason: The colonists were getting too curious about what they were doing in the desert.

Scotty and three security kids head out to get a look at the hot spot, a blister dome. 4) The red shirts are eventually torched, one of them on screen and in front of Scotty. Scotty himself is kept and taken to the Sacker ship to teach the Sackers all he knows about the engines, which are similar to the Enterprise's. Kirk, Uhura, and Chekov are taken as well because the Sackers need people to teach them how to command, communicate, and navigate.

This is particularly bad for Uhura, who is given a pretty sad backstory here. 5) When she was 10, she was caught in a fire that killed her best friend at the time. She still feels guilty for not being able to save her friend, and after the ship found out about the whole universe on fire thing, she has been having dreams of the event. So, being on board a ship filled with fire-absorbing zombies is probably not the best place for her, but she's fine. Her psychological hangups aren't that important.

The captured officers soon realize that the ship is run by trainees because all the adults were killed after an environmental problem made the ship too cold for the Sackers. They're kids, and it's up to Kirk and co. to fuck with their heads and find both the plot barrier-closing device and a way to get back to the Enterprise. They can't fight the Sackers (that'll be suicide), so Kirk initiates a psychological war against the Sackers.

Some highlights of their time onboard include:
 - the very first 'lesson' with the Sacker helmsman Blue, which had Kirk overacting in ways that would have made William Shatner proud,
 - the 'plasmicophic ferangulator', a Rube Goldberg contraption that Scotty explains with such incredibly obvious techno-babble that his poor trainee is too stunned to question it.
 - Chekov denying his best trainee a name just to fuck with her, and
 - Uhura listening in to the Sackers and gathering information, never letting on that she knows their language.

After days of this, Kirk's plan of taking down the Sackers is underway. Spock, after piecing together the few clues Kirk managed to give him, does the expected thing and shoots the Sacker ship's environment and engineering sections. 6) This causes a fire that starts spreading because the ship's fire-fighting systems don't work. While Scotty goes to help stop the fire, Kirk, Chekov and Uhura force the Sacker commander to surrender/accept help from the Enterprise.

She does, and Spock, McCoy, Sulu, and a load of support crew come aboard to help out. Kirk and Spock don't kiss once they're reunited because there was still a plot device to retrieve, and Uhura's backstory to resolve.

They start getting the heavy plot device out of storage just as the fire eats through the floor below them. Uhura, separated by Kirk and losing her mind from the fire surrounding her, freezes, unable to escape. Kirk is waving for her to join him on the cord out. The others are below, screaming at her to move, and it takes a minute for her feet to get moving. Afterwards, Uhura is the only one not ruffled by the fact that they may or may not close the barrier. Walking through fire totally cured her. Whatever.

They go back to the hot space with the device, and after a bit of engineering magic, save the universe again. Everyone celebrates, except for Spock, who excuses himself and runs to his quarters.

I haven't talked about the slashiness, though there are bits and pieces through the story. It's especially rich at the end. The crew is tense and nervous as they fly towards the hot zone. Kirk, too, is nervous and moves to stand by Spock, who is so affected by fear that he snaps at Kirk and even calls him Jim, which he only does in the bedroom never does on the bridge.

Later, after the plan works, the bridge crew are hooting, hollering, and Chekov is having a passionate embrace with the substitute helmswoman in celebration. Kirk turns to Spock hoping for his own passionate embrace/celebration. Spock, however, leaves to deal with the fact that he had just experienced fear for the first time in his life. Kirk follows soon after and they talk it out. Kirk tells him that he shouldn't despair, but rejoice. "Then the Vulcan slowly lifted his head, looked his friend in the eye... and rejoiced." (My emphasis)

Cue the porn music end-of-episode music, crappy ending line, the end.

This book is hilarious. There are moments of tension, but there are really ridiculous moments is good comedy here. I've only mentioned about half of the things here. Chekov is not as annoying or as useless as he usually is, and actually delivered some great stuff. Sulu doesn't get much screen time, but Kirk refers to him so often that when he goes to the Sacker ship to take command, it's amazingly great.

The extremes Paul takes on the Sackers is diminished by their other characteristics, and although I thought the end of Uhura's side story was weak, it's nice to see some development given to the supporting cast.

Good times.

Next time, I'll check out The Joy Machine. Maybe.

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